Today, i paid for a haircut for the first time in three and a half years.
But then after spending the afternoon downtown, i went home and promptly picked up the scissors and kept going. 1
i’ve felt an expanding, aching restlessness rising up in me today, and i can’t shake it. Possibly, too many coffees this morning.
Is it possible to be not content about being not content though? It frustrates me that i can’t leave well enough alone, that i always seem to want something different, something more, something changed, that even though i don’t find myself really ever getting bored, i find any way i can to rush past a sense of stasis. Why can’t i just leave well enough alone?
i’m fighting this feeling of jittery impatience, partially knowing that it stems from just having a lot going on. i handed over my down payment today and signed the last of the paperwork with the lawyer, yesterday i got my schedule rearranged so that i can be home on the actual day i get the house keys, this week i’ve researched my legal options for taking my current landlords to small-claims court (long-standing problem with non-functioning plumbing) and have packed up about half of my apartment, and recently i’ve been ‘hanging out’ with a new boy du jour and trying to get past some work frustrations.
It’s enough on my plate, and the last thing i want is more. So why the discontent? Why the urge to just keep moving onward, past whatever it is i’m experiencing, to look for something more? Because while that kind of movement can keep a passport full, a career moving, and life pretty interesting, i’m scared that i’m just going to bulldoze past things that are really great in the here-and-now for something i only imagine could be possible. i’ll freely admit that my life is pretty fantastic, and not for a minute, even now, do i deny that. i have a lot to be thankful for, all around. But this restlessness scares me, to be completely frank. There’s too much goodness to bypass, but i feel as if i don’t know how to just settle down and be satisfied with what i have, which isn’t true at all. But, there isn’t one area of my life that isn’t full of change right now, and though i don’t need to add to it, i don’t know where to press the pause button right now.
In time, things will settle out. It would be nice to be a kid again: hugged and held and told all the problems will disappear, but really, that’s not life. Changes will occur as they will, and life will take on new vantage points. i’m holding on to this, trying to learn lessons, praying my way through my days, and fighting to remember that i really can just lay down my burdens. Somebody just remind me how.
If only haircuts really helped. In the meantime, i think Tagore is on to something: “Come oh come ye tea-thirsty restless ones – the kettle boils, bubbles and sings, musically”
1. Don’t worry, the new cut is just a funkier version of the usual curly mop. And, i like it.