Remember the feeling of jumping off the high-dive board for the first time?

The jealousy and admiration of other kids, screaming as they hurtled through the air and cannon-bombed into the deep water, curiosity curling around in the pit of your stomach, toes clenching in anticipation. The gritty resolution of climbing the ladder, one rung at a time, palms sweaty and eyes focused straight ahead (don’t look down!). The arrival at the top, looking across that long stretch of pebbly-textured plastic and realizing that there are two ways down, but only one will get you the cheers of approval you know you’ve come up here for.
A tentative first step. It seems secure enough.
Another step, then three or four more, and then – no more hand rails.

Squeezing eyes shut against the sight of a world much, much higher than you’re used to, blocking out the echoing din of the swimmers below. The deep curiosity that was felt at the bottom is turning into a knot of panic – swaying, bouncing, slowly up and down and up and down at the end of what feels like a very flimsy board right now. Breathe in, breathe in, breathe out and don’t think Don’t THink DON’T THINK – 1- 2 – 3 -

JUMP!

…

Empty air

Rushinghurtlingracingdownwardfreedom flying along every inch of skin -
-and then the world suddenly shatters into silky clarity, tinged blue and ruffled with a vortex of air bubbles. Up…  Go up.   Air.   Breathe.  Close eyes. Relief. Swim away.

And then it’s done. You challenged yourself and you won. You grew up a little in that moment.

And perhaps it’s not so surprising that some twenty years after i first jumped off of a high dive, i feel the same gut-knotting anticipation of leaping into other ventures in life. Purchasing my first new car (in the next days? weeks? months?), and doing it without my dad holding my hand on the way to the dealership or my brother test-driving it with me. Opening my first line of credit and looking into a potential pool of debt that i’ve done my best to stay away from for a very long time, in order to buy said car. Going shopping for a new laptop (yes, contrary to most of my generation, computers are scary to me). Selling my art to someone i don’t know. Deciding on how much to CHARGE said people….

So here i am, swaying a little under the heady realization that it might feel like an exhilarating spending spree for the next little while, coupled with the very likely possibility that if i don’t manage the mild chaos that i call my life, i could very well belly-flop. Or, i can hold my breath, focus myself towards that deep end of grown-up financial and marketing decisions, and try my best for a swan dive, smoothly gliding towards a more successful future. Forgive me if i’m a little nervous