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Sorry for the lack of posts lately, it’s been hectic to say the least.
But today! Today i fly to Montreal for the next 4.5 days…. No matter that it’s for a work conference, it feels like a vacation. Last night, it kept feeling like i had forgotten something critical (forgetting something….always a key element to any trip worthwhile and adventurous), until i realized that it was a nagging impulse to go exchange currency for the trip, ha.
Oh Montreal! Fashion! Cafes! Shopping! Old architecture! Fall! (oh, and a conference that i should probably attend some of, considering work is sending me)
i’m off!
this is me
- with dirt on my feet -
probably from pounding the pavement too fast, too hard, all the while trying to get somewhere i thought worth going. And when you brushed my shoulder, stooped down and offered to check out that stubbed toe with the broken nail, i recoiled.
Gross.
This is no way to meet someone.
Okay then, fine -
Look at me! Look – i love colour and music and life and the sound of a breeze in the trees and the chatter at a shared meal and i work really really hard and
you said,
i think i’m going to have to get that washed up
who ARE you?
Look,
i’m sure you’re really nice and i’m pretty sure my feet smell and i really think that this is all just a little weird and i don’t know you and don’t get why you’ve got me following you into my own house and
it feels good when my foot hits that water
i watch you
i scrutinize your every action, your strangely relaxed and familiar demeanor, and when you glance up and wink, i jump a little.
You catch my heel, laughing, as water is splashed around.
Hey now.
This is you, with my dirt on your hands
and it has somehow ceased to feel awkward
i’m sorry we had to meet this way,
but you started it…really,
and, you’re good at this.
Where did you come from?
And, my feet warm and dry, i slow down a little.
Let’s make a cup of tea, and talk
i want to know why you were hanging around my street,
why i wanted to let you in my home
why you touched me
why i can’t keep myself from watching you,
why i am comforted by this connection
why you speak as if you know me
This was no way to meet a stranger,
but what’s stranger
is that i don’t want you to go.
OH man. It’s my favourite weekend in Calgary: ART WALK!!! And, i know i booked the time off to do productive things like ripping up green shag carpet, but i might.just.need.a.break.
It’s so much fun. Artists and tons of group-studios that you’d never know existed (otherwise completely unadvertised/promoted), open up their spaces to the public. There are show openings, art talks, occasional shared bottles of wine, and the greatest sense of artistic camaraderie that gives me hope for this crazy city.
For sure i’ll be checking out Laurie Steen’s drawings (it’s like she sees what i see in my head, better than i do!), the Untitled Art Society, and the Art4Five Artists Collective(319 – 10 AVE SW)
(thank GAWD for distractions like these to keep me sane!)
Today, i paid for a haircut for the first time in three and a half years.
But then after spending the afternoon downtown, i went home and promptly picked up the scissors and kept going. 1
i’ve felt an expanding, aching restlessness rising up in me today, and i can’t shake it. Possibly, too many coffees this morning.
Is it possible to be not content about being not content though? It frustrates me that i can’t leave well enough alone, that i always seem to want something different, something more, something changed, that even though i don’t find myself really ever getting bored, i find any way i can to rush past a sense of stasis. Why can’t i just leave well enough alone?
i’m fighting this feeling of jittery impatience, partially knowing that it stems from just having a lot going on. i handed over my down payment today and signed the last of the paperwork with the lawyer, yesterday i got my schedule rearranged so that i can be home on the actual day i get the house keys, this week i’ve researched my legal options for taking my current landlords to small-claims court (long-standing problem with non-functioning plumbing) and have packed up about half of my apartment, and recently i’ve been ‘hanging out’ with a new boy du jour and trying to get past some work frustrations.
It’s enough on my plate, and the last thing i want is more. So why the discontent? Why the urge to just keep moving onward, past whatever it is i’m experiencing, to look for something more? Because while that kind of movement can keep a passport full, a career moving, and life pretty interesting, i’m scared that i’m just going to bulldoze past things that are really great in the here-and-now for something i only imagine could be possible. i’ll freely admit that my life is pretty fantastic, and not for a minute, even now, do i deny that. i have a lot to be thankful for, all around. But this restlessness scares me, to be completely frank. There’s too much goodness to bypass, but i feel as if i don’t know how to just settle down and be satisfied with what i have, which isn’t true at all. But, there isn’t one area of my life that isn’t full of change right now, and though i don’t need to add to it, i don’t know where to press the pause button right now.
In time, things will settle out. It would be nice to be a kid again: hugged and held and told all the problems will disappear, but really, that’s not life. Changes will occur as they will, and life will take on new vantage points. i’m holding on to this, trying to learn lessons, praying my way through my days, and fighting to remember that i really can just lay down my burdens. Somebody just remind me how.
If only haircuts really helped. In the meantime, i think Tagore is on to something: “Come oh come ye tea-thirsty restless ones – the kettle boils, bubbles and sings, musically”
1. Don’t worry, the new cut is just a funkier version of the usual curly mop. And, i like it.
Ah, this weekend has been full: baby showers and weddings and birthdays, oh my.
i suppose that yesterday, being my birthday, should have inspired me to some lofty thoughts….perhaps even reflections of celebrating some major life events of friends and family this weekend, but i’ve got nuthin. It’s been busy busy busy, with not a lot of end in sight yet, but there have been brief moments of completely letting go of all the transition stress (being twirled around the dance floor at the wedding this weekend was definitely counted in this category).
AND, i’m getting things done. In particular, i dot-com’d myself: jessicamatthies.com
One step closer to artistic professionalism. Plainly put: sales.
i’ve also been following these fantastic ladies, as they lay out so much amazing info for artists and small business entrepreneurs. They’re SO AMAZING! Their posts are literally a beginner’s handbook to getting your art up and out the door successfully, and i’ve been so grateful to them for helping me get over being so intimidated by the business side of art.
It looks like the week ahead is going to be just as jam-packed, so i won’t be posting much in the next little while. However, i did buy the loveliest tangerine-coloured hammock chair in Vancouver this weekend, and am looking forward to some more creative thoughts being recorded from the vantage point of my crabapple tree, in about 2 weeks time.
See ya then.
Consider my confidentiality agreements at work to be your saving grace against hearing my latest rant.
Instead, here’s what i have to say:
Tell your family you love them.
Then act like you love them.
Then tell them you love them some more.
Repeat.
Do this until i’m out of work.
i really wish i was one of those people who meticulously records their travels in a beautiful travel journal, or with witty photographs, or something along those lines, but – i’m not. Especially when it comes to roadtrips, there is nothing i strive for more than efficiency. Having grown up in a family that roadtripped often, i got an early start on learning to spend a lot of hours in a car. Some trips, we stopped, enjoying the views and the attractions and all the things that make the traveling more of a journey than a destination. But then there were the trips that left us beaming with pride over travel times, usually: “Twenty-four hours flat from Vancouver to LA!!”, or “Pfft. Anyone should be able to make it from Abbotsford to Prince George in no more than 7 hours”. These trips are all about making it somewhere to see something, and gawsh darn it, my family and i do that well!
Gas stops? Only ones just off the highway. Lunch breaks? Grab the granola bar from the bag in the back seat. Water and bathroom breaks? Um, didn’t i say i stopped for gas?…shoulda thought of those things then! Sightseeing? Bah!
That being said, with all good roadtrips come good roadtripping games. From Calgary to Abbotsford yesterday, i bring you my “I Spy With My Little Eye” list of notable things:
- My old Jetta, driving west out of Calgary to Banff. It looked good, still had my LT sticker from Lithuania on it, and was driving fast, which made me happy.
- Three red-tail hawks and a blue jay
- Snowy, glacial mountains
-Smoke on the water
-Five vintage cars/trucks pulling the cutest Boler trailers
- Tumbleweeds, tumbling
- shimmering heat waves
So there. Sightseeing, destination-roadtrip style.
A new ‘Outcroppings’ piece:
Not nearly done, but getting there!
For a number of days now, i’ve been (somewhat anxiously) watching a certain section of my garden, the area that was seeded instead of filled up with bedding plants. Waiting, looking, even poking around to see if a tiny green sprout exists, hiding under the dirt. i’ve figured that the crops that i’ve seeded – carrots, beets, beans, and peas – are hardy enough to live into the fall, but with such a short, unpredictable growing season, every day counts.
So, it was a joyful experience to finally see a section of wee tiny little red sprouts filling out the beginnings of what will be a row of beets. i felt all puffed up with pride over these baby plants that finally took their first move towards eating up sunlight.
Encouraged by this development, i took the bold move of shoving a spade in the ground to investigate what on earth was going on with my delinquent bean and pea seeds. The verdict: wee worms eating up the tender beans. Arrggh. i eventually found two little beans that were managing to sprout, and got them nicely packed away in their dirt homes again, vowing to start sprouting some beans and peas in a more sterile environment like a nalgene bottle this week at work. Maybe that will get them the head start they need.
As i finished my snooping around underground and returned to the much more routine task of watering, i thought about what it would be like if it were only that easy to unpack some of the problems that i see the kids at work struggling with. So many times, we staff all know that there is a ton of stuff going on under the surface that is keeping a client from moving forward in a positive way. Most of the kids we see have pain and problems that run so deep, they often don’t even know themselves how to dig them up or what’s happening in the deep soil of their own life. It’s hard to watch from a removed vantage point and be unable to poke and prod and dig around, to be able to only water what is good, fertilize the positive choices made, weed a little negative behaviour out of the picture, and wait patiently, creating an environment where a sensitive issue can finally sprout up and be identified. Then sometimes, there are the lives that, beyond any caring we offer, are eaten up by the worms of negativity, pain, burdens that we never truly see, except to know that while in our care, no good living thing sprouted up because of those things unseen.
It’s been one of the hardest things that i’ve ever learned to deal with when working with people – the times when there is no growth to be seen, no living, no joy. It’s hard to step back and to know that it’s not reflective of my level of caring or my skill set. Perhaps it’s just not the right environment sometimes, perhaps there was knowledge that i don’t have, or factors beyond my control have truly overtaken my ability to help. Most of the time i’ll never really know.
Then again, from the same vantage point, it is a humbling knowledge that the only thing i can help do to bring life to the surface is to be the waterer, someone who tends to making the environment a safe and welcoming place for a sprout of goodness to surface. i didn’t make those beet sprouts grow, and i don’t make the positive (and often difficult) choices for the youth i care for, but i can live and act in such a way that it’s more likely to happen, and i thank God for that.
i’ve been thinking a lot lately about influence and choices, about how to impact the communities that i live in and around in ways that encourage joyful, fulfilling life. It’s so easy to forget this calling towards a generous and loving life sometimes, so easy to just think of myself and what would make my life easier. Like missing a morning watering just to sleep in another hour or so, it’s so easy just to escape a difficult conversation or follow a lengthy protocol at work, to leave a questions about accountability or about a friend’s dreams about life for banal chatter about the day. It’s not the sleeping in or the simple chats that are the problem, but left on their own, it’s hard to create an environment where something good and meaningful grows. It takes the same kind of commitment as early-morning garden watering to nurture life of any sort, and i’m slowly learning to take these lessons from my garden into the rest of my life. So from beet sprouts to deeper friendships and more meaningful work, i’m trying to keep the reminders from my garden close to heart.
This evening when i walked over to the Hen House to water the garden, i had some time to snap those pics i promised!
Everything is growing well, everything that is but the peas, beans, beets, and carrots. Those were all planted from seed, and there’s no sign of life yet…. i keep waiting and watching, oh so hopeful!
The Tomato-Chive-Pansy-Marigold Patch:
The Greens Corner:
Up close and personal:
