g’mornin, April 10…

g’mornin, April 10…, originally uploaded by jessica anne matthies.

Before i even opened my eyes this morning, i recognized that it was snowing heavily outside. i’ve grown accustomed to the sounds of a sudden, heavy snowfall: slowed traffic, the low growl of cars grinding their way up the hills in low gear, the high pitched squeals of tires spinning out, the soft crunch of footsteps through the shortcut-path behind my apartment…

i heard the heavy footsteps of the roof repairmen above me, and wondered if they would actually figure out a way to work in this. It wasn’t long before they packed up and left, leaving me to my quiet morning.

These snowfall sneak attacks make me smile, savouring the beautifully prolonged presence of winter. i like the way they force everybody to slow down, forget about a schedule for once (or at least, this happens in my idealizing mind), and come up with new plans for the day.

At least, the snow eliminated one of the options that i was debating last night – whether to stay inside one more day and keep cleaning up my apartment, or head out to my trailer to continue the fix-ups/painting. Over a foot of snow outside means the apartment wins out today.

Or at least, i hope that the apartment wins. It (and i) are fighting a war against accumulated junk, and right now the battles seem split. i spent the majority of yesterday afternoon and evening working my way through several BOXES of junk that have been packed up and hauled around from place to place for the last few years, ugh. Check one major win for me. But in this process, i came to realize that my newly bare floors and dresser-top left me feeling slightly anxious. The floors i can handle – no, wait a sec, i LOVE the bare floors, cleared of laundry and junk and boxes, cleared of the caution it usually takes to protect my feet when i crawl out of bed, or try to navigate a path through it all.
But the empty surface on the dresser? What does one do with that? i don’t want useless stuff there, but I have no idea what useful thing goes on a dresser top. Even having a dresser in my room is a luxury that i haven’t had since i was 18 and in my parent’s house. i seriously don’t know how to use that space functionally. My decorative collections are in the main room, my books all have a bookshelf, cosmetics are in the washroom, plants all die when i’m away at work for 4 days at a time… Nothing really seems to fit.

But more than that, it felt like a finished task. Empty surface=no more cleaning project. Then i quickly realized that if i get through all the paperwork junk, and finish up my studio areas, that will be the end of that too, because instead of just cleaning/storing, i’m actually getting rid of junk….and the goal is not to re-accumulate it. Potentially, i could be living with a relatively clean space – ALL THE TIME.

This is a novel concept to me. In fact, i do not remember a point in my life where i have not either been told to clean up my stuff, or otherwise didn’t feel like i had to anyway.
i am a messy person.
And, i am now attempting to change that to “was a messy person”.

i’m not sure I’m ready for this. This is scary – and before you laugh at me too hard, know that being messy has it’s upsides: it’s relaxed, it’s a great excuse to be involved in major cleanup projects, major cleanup projects are a great excuse not to have to leave the house, and not having to leave the house means i don’t have to face being in this city by myself.

Whoops.

Did i stumble onto something there? Oh boy. You caught me red-handed. Guilty as charged: i have a whole can of worms when it comes to trying to figure out how to feel at home and make friends in this city. So staying inside, working on my apartment (that I love) really does give me a sense that i am purposefully working towards being more at home here, without any of the daunting challenge of trying to recreate a new community for myself. But when i’m finished….well, I’ll be back at square one.

i don’t know whether or not completing this whole Apartment Therapy clean-up thing will give me the impetus to actually get out and get back into meeting more people again. i also don’t know that if i do move on, move forward, recreate a little community action, that i’ll find a new excuse for being messy. It’s likely that i will, and then i’ll have to cross that bridge when i come to it, i suppose.

i do know that i love the snow, that i love my quiet mornings, that true to Calgary form the sun is coming out once again, and that i’m feeling ready to pitch back into today’s battle against the paperwork junk. oh gosh.