Signs of life

For a number of days now, i’ve been (somewhat anxiously) watching a certain section of my garden, the area that was seeded instead of filled up with bedding plants. Waiting, looking, even poking around to see if a tiny green sprout exists, hiding under the dirt.   i’ve figured that the crops that i’ve seeded – carrots, beets, beans, and peas – are hardy enough to live into the fall, but with such a short, unpredictable growing season, every day counts.

So, it was a joyful experience to finally see a section of wee tiny little red sprouts filling out the beginnings of what will be a row of beets.  i felt all puffed up with pride over these baby plants that finally took their first move towards eating up sunlight.

Encouraged by this development, i took the bold move of shoving a spade in the ground to investigate what on earth was going on with my delinquent bean and pea seeds.  The verdict: wee worms eating up the tender beans. Arrggh.  i eventually found two little beans that were managing to sprout, and got them nicely packed away in their dirt homes again, vowing to start sprouting some beans and peas in a more sterile environment like a nalgene bottle this week at work.  Maybe that will get them the head start they need.

As i finished my snooping around underground and returned to the much more routine task of watering, i thought about what it would be like if it were only that easy to unpack some of the problems that i see the kids at work struggling with. So many times, we staff all know that there is a ton of stuff going on under the surface that is keeping a client from moving forward in a positive way. Most of the kids we see have pain and problems that run so deep, they often don’t even know themselves how to dig them up or what’s happening in the deep soil of their own life.  It’s hard to watch from a removed vantage point and be unable to poke and prod and dig around, to be able to only water what is good, fertilize the positive choices made, weed a little negative behaviour out of the picture, and wait patiently, creating an environment where a sensitive issue can finally sprout up and be identified.   Then sometimes, there are the lives that, beyond any caring we offer, are eaten up by the worms of negativity, pain, burdens that we never truly see, except to know that while in our care, no good living thing sprouted up because of those things unseen.

It’s been one of the hardest things that i’ve ever learned to deal with when working with people – the times when there is no growth to be seen, no living, no joy.  It’s hard to step back and to know that it’s not reflective of my level of caring or my skill set.  Perhaps it’s just not the right environment sometimes, perhaps there was knowledge that i don’t have, or factors beyond my control have truly overtaken my ability to help.  Most of the time i’ll never really know.

Then again, from the same vantage point, it is a humbling knowledge that the only thing i can help do to bring life to the surface is to be the waterer, someone who tends to making the environment a safe and welcoming place for a sprout of goodness to surface.  i didn’t make those beet sprouts grow, and i don’t make the positive (and often difficult) choices for the youth i care for, but i can live and act in such a way that it’s more likely to happen, and i thank God for that.

i’ve been thinking a lot lately about influence and choices, about how to impact the communities that i live in and around in ways that encourage joyful, fulfilling life.   It’s so easy to forget this calling towards a generous and loving life sometimes, so easy to just think of myself and what would make my life easier.  Like missing a morning watering just to sleep in another hour or so, it’s so easy just to escape a difficult conversation or follow a lengthy protocol at work, to leave a questions about accountability or about a friend’s dreams about life for banal chatter about the day.  It’s not the sleeping in or the simple chats that are the problem, but left on their own, it’s hard to create an environment where something good and meaningful grows.  It takes the same kind of commitment as early-morning garden watering to nurture life of any sort, and i’m slowly learning to take these lessons from my garden into the rest of my life.  So from beet sprouts to deeper friendships and more meaningful work, i’m trying to keep the reminders from my garden close to heart.

Being good to oneself

It wasn’t so long ago that i would have laughed myself out of town at the idea of early bed-times, choosing not to go out with a group of people, or spending time washing dishes on a Saturday night.  Okay.  i’ll amend that. i STILL have a hard time accepting these things as good decisions and not signs that i’m going to turn into a spinster cat-lady, gah.
And yet, i’ve been lying on my couch, semi-napping, trying to psych myself up to go out for the night (for the second night in a row), and slowly realizing that i’m fighting the very things that i long for when i’m at work – rest, peace, processes that have visible results…

Attending a suicide intervention training for the last few days, i was part of a group of people that discussed the idea of self-care in the helping role/profession.  A lot of similarities cropped up in people’s responses: conversations with a friend, coffee dates, baths, wine, movies, exercise, getting enough sleep.  Reflecting back on the lists, it surprises me how introverted the lists seemed.  Not once did i see ‘night on the town’ or ‘throw a party’ on any of the group’s self-care lists, and it makes me curious about why that was.  Very possibly, it was just the certain mix of attendees, though perhaps there is something about self or soul-care that necessitates the quietness of being either peacefully alone or in meaningful or intimate relationship instead of exuberant crowds and dynamic social settings.  At this moment, my bias is towards the latter.

As much as it still annoys me on some level to choose against getting some also-much-needed social time tonight, i’m going to admit that these are a few of my favorite self-care things right now:

drawing, sleeping, comfort food, making things…

Nothing so very different from the rest of life, just chosen over friends and a social life at this moment.

What do you do to rest/revive?

Teach me to cry
when the day is done -
when it is finally fine to
let the guard down.

Teach me to cry
so that i do not carry the cry
in my face -
Aching
behind skin, over bone -
There,
where i practiced keeping a calm demeanor.
Pierce me!
Pierce my jaw!
My eyelids!
My cheeks!
Pierce them!
And let the wailing out of me -

That wailing,
all the words that i want to say when i do say
-i will not argue -
- Here are your choices -
-i am leaving now-
or
- i’m willing to take that risk -
When i am acting to keep the peace
and acting to keep myself in one piece.

Teach me to cry,
to empty myself,
to unburden before the next day
so that the cry does not harden
deeper than my flesh, my bones,
and into my soul
where i am burning still.

Cleanse my eyes -
My soul is not heavy yet,
and it’s windows should not be shuttered!
Teach me to cry so that when i say
Enough
i can still say
i care